My husband and I have been comparing notes on how sometimes circumstances seem to conspire against us just to prove to us what big babies we are… basically the opposite of James 1:2-4.
Honestly, I rarely consider it pure joy to have my faith tested.
It’s painful realizing how pathetic I can be.
I look back and marvel at all I learned — yesterday, last year, seven years ago…
- patience through our nine-year adoption process,
- endurance through eight years in Haiti,
- trust through three years of fear,
not to mention dependence through thirty-one years of knowing the Great Provider.
How I wish every lesson had “stuck.”
But far too often, I forget. I forget that God came through… sustained… healed… provided.
I look at circumstances, look at tomorrow, throw my hands onto my head and wail, “Oh no, what are we going to do?”
I am “of little faith” just like the Israelites in the desert and Peter walking on the waves.
Sometimes I grow weary of trust — being dependent on Him for everything. I grow tired of constantly needing help, needing guidance, needing to be taught.
I prefer control.
I’d rather teach than learn. I’d like to dust my hands off and say, “Well, that was challenging, but well worth it. Now, let me help you out!”
But the minute I let myself think I’ve “arrived,” I stumble over my own immaturity. In trying so hard to know it all, I find myself wallowing in even deeper neediness.
It’s far from enjoyable — being needy, learning, learning, learning.
It’s humbling. It’s uncomfortable, even frightening. I long to be competent.
But then I would miss the whole thing — the whole point of my walk with Jesus:
My neediness and His sufficiency.
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick… For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:12 NIV
I’m a sick, needy sinner.
“Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us…”
Titus 3:5 NKJV
I couldn’t save myself.
“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19 NASB
All my provision comes from Him.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me… For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
My strength comes from Him.
So again, I acknowledge that I need Jesus… desperately.
I may have learned much in the past, but I admit that I need to learn again today.
Circumstances will continue to conspire against me (under God’s watchful, sovereign eye), reminding me that I am needy; but, I as I confess my weakness, I embrace His power.
Through Him, I can “count it all joy.” I can be made “mature and complete.”
Are you having a difficult time counting it all joy? What are you learning about trusting God?